There’s a word I can’t say. Not because it’s naughty- if it were only four letters I think I could handle it. This is a word with about four syllables (give or take a few) that has to do with my four legged friend.

Anthropomorphize. 

I get the Rs and the PHs all messed up. But that’s not the point. The point is it means giving something, such as a pet, human characteristics. I was thinking about this this morning when I walked the dog. 

Sidebar: It’s so strange when you get a double word in a sentence. I know I could say it differently, but this is also correct too. It kind of feels like a linguistic Leap Year or something… it comes around every 40,000 words or so. I wonder if other languages do this as well…

Now, back to the task at hand: an-thro-po-morph-i-zing pets. I never really thought I did this. I mean do I baby talk to my dog and occasionally refer to myself in the third person as her mommy? Yes. Does she like it? Yes. Hmmm… I’m starting to sense some irony…

Despite this, there’s one thing even I can’t deny. 

You see, Polly (yeah- that’s my dog with a human name…) likes squirrels. Not in a check yes or no if you like me kind of way, but in an I’m going to feast on the blood of my enemies kind of way. When I was in 4th grade, a few of my little gal pals and I all liked the same boy so we compiled all our data about him to increase our odds of winning his heart. Polly has done the same with the neighborhood squirrels, but her objective is to increase the odds of rupturing one of theirs.

She knows which streets and trees are the most fruitful. If you try to deviate from her favorite haunts, she will plant her bushy BBL right on the sidewalk and make you drag her. (It’s very embarrassing by the way). And before you say, she can smell the squirrels and that’s why she knows where to go, you’re wrong. There are specific trees in a mile radius around our house that she actively cranes her neck up to try and spot her prey. She knows exactly what she is doing, and boy has she come close to catching the object of her bloodlust.

I imagined it would be similar to a Chip and Dale cartoon (more anthropromorphizing) where they would pop out of her grasp, bite her on the nose, and be on their way with some jaunty symphonic music in the background. But when the moment of truth came, in a nanosecond it dawned on me that could not possibly be how it would go down. I intervened. Unlike Polly, I do not like blood- even if it’s the blood of my enemies. 

All this is to say, sometimes when we’re walking (read she’s dragging me relentlessly toward a telephone pole) my imagination takes off and I do anthorphrophize, thinking about her as a human. In my mind’s eye (which I’m pretty sure has a cataract, but that’s for a different time) I see her dressed up like the Brawny paper towel man. (The red plaid really compliments her black and white markings.) She has on little hiking boots (just on her back legs because her front legs are hands like mine- duh) that have lumberjack spikes on them. She is using them to shimmy up the power pole along with the little ladder prongs the linemen use. (I should probably imagine a little helmet for her as well.) 

This spectacle of athleticism and costuming has one goal. If you need a clue it starts with an ‘s’ and ends in ‘quirrel.’ And no, I’m not talking about Professor Quirrell from Harry Potter, but now the idea of a squirrel with another face coming out of the back of its head is very intriguing. I’ll have to play around with that one on tomorrow’s walk…

Anyway…

If those rascally squirrels can out wit her in lumber jack mode, I have another incarnation up my sleeve. I imagine her in a Monty Python sort of set up, with a giant net out to rid the world of the vile demons. I think this comes from a 1980’s Fayrie Tale Theatre starring Eric Idle as the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Polly would be so cute dressed up in a medieval tunic and stockings, hoisting the net around and playing the lute (even though she doesn’t have opposable thumbs. Or fingers.) She wouldn’t even need to steal the children… the work is reward enough, methinks. 

My daughter has brought up the interesting anthromorphing question:What would Polly’s human voice sound like? She thinks a chain smoker with a New York accent. I think a wee Scottish lass that sings with a Celt harp. Based on how she abuses her larynx chasing after the aforementioned varmints, my daughter is probably right. 

But the ultimate example of mighty antropomorphing power rangers came from our other daughter. It started on a car ride to the Chinese buffet. (That doesn’t have anything to do with it, I’m just trying to paint a picture.) We were talking about what we wanted to do when Polly goes to the ‘farm.’ One idea was getting her turned into a stuffed animal. Not like taxidermy, but like a plush toy. Personally, I kind of like the idea (of the plushy, not the taxidermy.)

Another idea was to have a portrait commissioned. How lovely. But wouldn’t it be even better if she were a fancy lady? And that’s where the magic began. With an excellent command of ChatGBT at her disposal, my daughter proceeded to have AI render Polly through the ages.

A Victorian lady.Tudor Royalty. A Disco Queen. I have to say, they are magnificent. If you come to my house in the next month or so, expect to see a canvas of Milady Polly of the Shetland Isles. If you have a pet and require a birthday or Christmas gift, guess what you will be getting this year!

This was a nice little exercise into AI- dipping my toe in to test the waters if you will. And that was enough. Other than a concise google summary, I’m not interested.

But some people are… and they’re in deep. I watched a documentary (it was probably on Lifetime or some other ridiculous platform) about women who were in love with their AI. These were intelligent, articulate, and attractive ladies. They all essential said the same thing: “He (their AI chatbot of choice) knows exactly what to say to make me happy.”

There is a lot of anthropomorphizing to unpack here (Yes, i can really spell it). Not only have they elevated this bot to a significant other, they have trained it so basically they are just in love with themselves. But not in a positive self esteem way…

This makes me feel better about my lute-lugging, squirrel hunting, lumberjack dog.